Crushes 

In high school the three/four or so guys I was interested in were all brunettes. Now, in college, they seem to all be blondes.

So my online professor just totally “called me out,” today. How, you might ask? considering it’s an online class it seems virtually impossible. [Pun intended] However, she does e-mail us and she said something along the lines of “I had at least one student look ahead and post early Monday but I changed the groups…” she was nice enough to say she’d allow my slip up without any consequences which is nice but I’m still mad.

I’m mad because this severely interferes with how I do homework for that class. I like to read whatever I have to, take notes, and draft whatever I need for whichever discussion I’m in. Then I’m done and patiently wait to post on Monday [like she asked]. I don’t like that she can just willy-nilly change groups etc on Monday before noon [because I don’t recall reading a timeframe for that in the syllabus]. It’s almost as if I’m getting punished for trying to work ahead and grasp the concepts. As long as I understand the lesson though, why should it matter? Plus it’s embarrassing to be “called out” since it’s relatively easy to figure out who messed up. I don’t like this class anyway so that really didn’t help me any.

Even worse is the fact a “classmate” of mine had posted “before” me last week [My post was drafted so I didn’t post before Monday but it’d been finished since Sunday] and I had to re-do the assignment. I did so without complaint, wanting to impress the professor. Clearly that worked out so well. 

I’m always reminded how I’m the one who has to initiate things. If I don’t people forget about me and don’t talk to me. It makes me feel unimportant. Unwanted. Worthless. Replaceable. 

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I’m really glad it took my suite-mates until week three to decide on a cleaning schedule considering I’ve been the one making sure the bathroom trash has a liner and I washed the sinks down. >.<

So there’s this guy in my Criminal Justice class. He remembered meeting me over the summer and we started talking after our first day of classes.

We’ve studied together. First we went to the library then we stopped for lunch (he made me try sushi and brought me a sugar-y ‘Japanese’ drink). Then when we back to my dorm room to finish studying. While we’re there he awkwardly met my roommates (two of them didn’t know if they should close their bedroom door or not. They didn’t want to be antisocial but they also didn’t want to ‘invade our privacy.’ ) anyway, while we were  studying he kept putting his hand on my back and rubbing it. I kept shrugging it off and asking him to stop but he didn’t. I finally just ignored it but he kept stopping whenever my roommates walked in out of their room/common room. It was awkward and it’s been awkward since.

Now he thinks I hate him, which I don’t. I might get slightly annoyed but I rarely hate people despite saying otherwise. [I told him I have two lists for people and they can be categorized as good and bad and I keep telling him I’m not sure which he’s on]

He just seems really clingy and desperate. If I didn’t have my eyes on another guy [to be discussed in another post later] I might actually like him. I mean he’s actually pretty nice [though sometimes he has trouble listening which is another huge thing for me as well as intelligence and his GPA from high school was like 3.25 or something] and he’s Catholic which is a huge bonus. But he’s already saying things like ‘I wouldn’t do that to you,’ ‘I wouldn’t hurt you [like that],’ ‘You’re my one and only’ ‘Cody’s right we were made for each other.’ [He went to an all guy Catholic high school and I went to an all girl Catholic high school]. So yeah, those are some concerns plus we’re just now entering our third week of classes and this has been going on since our first day of classes.

I mean I feel so bad for being so distant and semi mean to him [though I did warn him I’m mean and sarcastic and suck at replying to texts majority of the time] Like tonight we were talking about an upcoming assignment and he asked if we could do it together and I said no. He thinks it’s because he was a distraction last time and I told him that no, it’s because I prefer to work alone. I always have, that’s the truth but considering I tried doing homework with him once, I think he thinks I’m lying/avoiding him. I’m really not trying to, all my reasons thus far have been legit. Other times things fall through or I’m simply not in the mood [another problem I’ve been having since I got here.]

As bad as I feel for being ‘mean’ to him I also don’t handle clingy-ness well. Not right off the back I do. It grows on me as I get closer to someone.  Anyway, when I went to the football game on Sat he texted me asking why no one likes him which I said was bullshit because he has Cody and their friends (I figured my friendship was a given/he wanted me to say it but I refused to) and he basically kept saying he had no [other] friends. Now I know how that feels and I sympathize but I also felt as if he was trying to guilt me and get me to say I cared/we were friends. So yeah, I didn’t appreciate that. 

The clingy-ness reminded me of something else. All of this seems to have escalated very quickly. We only met once in summer and didn’t keep in contact. Now here we are and I’m just like “whoa, my head is spinning.” I’m also not keen on the idea of having a boyfriend the very beginning of my freshman year. I’m still adjusting and trying to get my routine down. I’m still struggling with being okay here [another discussion to be posted] so a boyfriend isn’t a great idea. Plus, as I mentioned earlier I have a crush on someone else. I don’t want to lead him on. ‘Cause when he was rubbing my back I’ll admit it was nice and the idea of a boyfriend is nice but I don’t want to be like some of my friends who have/had a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend. So I’m trying really hard to avoid that and I just overall usually feel awful/creeped/tired/annoyed about this stuff.

To discuss later

The good news is I get to see the assistant director of campus ministry for my high school tomorrow. We’re going to breakfast and I’m hoping I’ll be able to talk to her. Even just seeing her is making me happy/excited though. We got close my junior and senior year [I wish I knew her sooner] and she’s like a mom to me. I don’t know what I’d do without her at this point and I’m just so excited to see her because I can finally talk to someone about these things. [Because I feel like I can’t say everything to my roomies or best friend(s), family etc and ranting online only does so much]