When people lose interest in me.  

It’s so easy for me to notice. No matter how much they may deny it, I know for a fact that they’re tired of me. I annoy them, I bore them, I make things awkward and uncomfortable for them; they just don’t want me around anymore. It hurts even more trying to convince myself that I’m wrong, even though it’s plain to see. I feel pathetic for putting in effort to keep people in my life that don’t want me around. 

Mentally I’m done and emotionally I’m drained. Physically I’m in a low degree of pain. (I’m also freezing but I digress)

I’m just looking for an end to this turmoil because it’s really taking a toll on my body and my health. It’s limiting my performance levels for school which only adds to the frustration.

I just want to know what I did to make her stop caring. 

She’s been like my mom these past four years but this year (and even end of junior year) we seem so distant from each other. Rarely to we have heart-to-hearts or even playful banter, 

I miss our relationship so much. I miss that connection. Nowadays I feel like she doesn’t even see me as her “other daughter” anymore and it hurts so much. 

I just want to know when and how and why everything changed. 

I’m sorry if I’m not as optimistic anymore. I don’t know how else to be anymore. I don’t mean to be a burden or dump everything on you but you’re one of the only people I have. You mean so much to me and I feel I mean very little to you. 

Mixed Bag of Emotions 

Since I’ve got no one to talk about this with I get to post my thoughts etc here

Last night I spent my time trying to write a paper while simultaneously trying to talk a friend of mine down from suicide. I was up until 4am and had to wake up at 6. I debated not sleeping but I was emotionally drained and needed even just a little bit of time to recharged myself. I was able to turn in my paper and after class I warned my teacher that my paper likely wouldn’t be up the quality it was supposed to be because I was preoccupied with my friend and talking her out of suicide. My teacher told me that was more important than my paper anyway and no to worry. By the end of school today she had them graded and I got a 97. [We don’t have our names on our papers until after she grades them so it’s not like she gave me pity points]. I was so ecstatic. Apparently good deeds really don’t go unnoticed. I wouldn’t recommend staying up that late to do a paper if you can avoid it but I lucked out. I’m amazed and so insanely proud of myself and I’d really just like to talk about how I managed to pull that off. I want to talk to someone about it but there’s no one. But c’mon how amazing is that? In the midst of hell I managed to write a pretty kickass paper. It sorta made my day.

Oh yeah, when I got to school this morning before going to dance practice [we have intramurals which is where the classes compete against each other] I grabbed a cup of coffee. You’ll see why that’s important in a second.

Oh yeah AP Lit class. One of my classmates was absent but I texted her and told her if she sent me her paper I’d print it out for her and turn it in [so we could get our bonus point—which is also why I made sure to finish mine last night]. She did and I printed it out for her and turned it in. My teacher was impressed with me calling me “such a sweet girl.” Which I gotta admit, it was nice to be acknowledged. Small things, you know? Especially when life has been hell. It just helps.

So after AP Lit was AP Stats. We had a test I was no where near ready for. Even being able to use our notes for the last 15mins didn’t help me much. I had to give up eventually. I was shaking during all of it. I kept biting my nails and shaking my leg and feeling sick. I was damn close to running out of the room and just panicking. I didn’t think I did well (And I still have the same feeling).  So after that I was feeling shitty so I went to find someone to talk to and ended up talking with my campus minister. It was light conversation until we headed down to the cafeteria and I told him about the paper and my friend and how little sleep I got. I talked about the dance and needing coffee to function but that one really wasn’t enough I really needed like 4. Which is when he offered to make me a cup. He’s seriously the sweetest man ever. He made a cup and put chocolate and creamer in it. I never felt more loved-I was truly touched. Proof that small gestures mean a lot.

Skip to the end of the day. I find out I got my 97 and I immediately run down the hall to tell him.  After hugging, he congratulates me and I thank him for the coffee. He smiles and tells me that he just felt so bad for me and wanted to help somehow even if in a small way.

I forgot. After he gave me my coffee, I talked with one of the secretaries in the office. I told her what happened as well and she said how I was such a good friend. Which again was just nice to hear. I mean it was really nice to hear when I’ve been having so many friend issues. To just feel cherished and loved and cared about by all these people who were genuinely proud of me…I needed that.

Anyway so the end of school is fine. I’m a little loopy from only running on 2hrs of sleep and 2 cups of coffee and my friends are enjoying it. Ultimately though, all is good. Then I get home and I see a package from  my top choice college is there. I get so excited because it should contain all my financial information. I excitedly open it only to find it’s still hella expensive even with scholarships and now I’m not sure if I can go there….It’s my top school so that crushed me.

Then there’s the fact I have a physics test tomorrow. I’m not prepared for it and I don’t know how to study for it. It’s a new term too, so I really need to do well on this test (and that stats one).

But yeah I’m getting tired so I’ll wrap this up soon.

I’m just a mix of emotions. I’m happy and proud of myself and yet I’m so drained that I just need sleep, tea, a blanket, and a hug. I actually went to another teacher today after school and asked for a hug because I really needed one.

Which reminds me of my paper topic-substitute parenting. So many of the adults at my school are substitute parents. I view a lot of them as my mom and my campus minister as my dad. It’s a loving family atmosphere that I sometimes just really need. I’m certainly not getting it at home but I don’t actually want to talk about that.

Why am I everyone’s fucking verbal punching bag? Doesn’t anyone give a damn about me and my well-being? Doesn’t anyone think of how I might be doing or might be affected?

Trying to talk someone down from suicide. (Which I think I just failed at. Fuck) But I’m seriously wondering if a point she made is true. She said how a best friend who had been ignoring her finally messaged her because she was worried and asked her not to do anything rash. She said how people only care when it comes to suicide but when you’re okay again they don’t.

I tried to tell her that wasn’t true but I can’t help but wonder if it is.

I mean when someone threatens suicide why do people try to stop the person? Is it because of selfish reasons? Do they try to stop the person so if the person goes through with it they don’t have any guilt?

I would argue they still would but…

lifeshighsandlowswithjen:

scarletrosebloom:

I got my results back for my A1C from last Thursday…For everyone else it was an unexpected,unhappy surprise. For myself, I think I’m surprised it wasn’t higher. My A1C this time was 10.4 and the insurance and my diabetic team really want to take me off the pump. Their threat feels a lot more real this time and this might also jeopardize college for me. I know there’s no one to blame but myself but it’d be nice to be able to tell someone this and discuss it without them judging or lecturing me. I mean no one really cares why it’s happening. 

I don’t understand why they would want to take you off the pump instead of maybe providing more education, trying different infusion sets, etc. Will they compromise on trying more things? D: 

I hope I don’t get taken off the pump when I start it due to a high a1c or something D: .

Of course you don’t because you don’t know everything. I already have the education. I’ve been on the pump for the majority of my life since being diagnosed So no, education won’t do shit. I know what I should be doing it’s a matter of doing it. The infusion sets wouldn’t do anything different either. Actually, they keep changing my supplies which is really screwing me up even more because once I’m adjusted to one thing they come out saying something’s wrong with it and here’s something new. My theory is if something already works dont fuck with it.

Since you’re not on the pump yet, I wouldn’t worry about it. You have to be on it for a while and really screw up before they threaten to take it away

I got my results back for my A1C from last Thursday…For everyone else it was an unexpected,unhappy surprise. For myself, I think I’m surprised it wasn’t higher. My A1C this time was 10.4 and the insurance and my diabetic team really want to take me off the pump. Their threat feels a lot more real this time and this might also jeopardize college for me. I know there’s no one to blame but myself but it’d be nice to be able to tell someone this and discuss it without them judging or lecturing me. I mean no one really cares why it’s happening. 

I got my blood drawn a few days ago. I was supposed to get it drawn back in December so yeah I’m late on that. I know my A1C level isn’t going to be good and will likely jeopardize me going away to college. I have an appointment beginning of April coming up too. I don’t suspect it to go over well. 

I think it’s the fact that I knew I wasn’t doing so well and didn’t/wouldn’t have enough time to “correct” myself that discouraged me. Sort of a “why bother?” type thing. Pair that with the fact it’s keeping me here and I’m set to be a mental disaster. 

Sadly this does help explain part of my recent mindset. 

Criminal Minds Season 9 Episode 18 “Rabid”  

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Criminal Minds “Persuasion” 9x17 

How do you explain self-harm to someone who’s never done it, never understood it, never got it’s appeal?

How do you tell someone why you do it when you’re not entirely sure yourself?

When you finally confide in someone about your self harm, what is it like?

I tried doing so today and I can’t help but be upset with it. It didn’t make me feel better for all that long. It sort of made me feel worse and I feel bad for adding another burden to this person. Overall though, I guess I’m indifferent.

Maybe it’s just because I wanted to be more emotional and I couldn’t be…

Open up 

I don’t really know how to open myself up.

Especially not to you.

I like people believing I’m strong.

I prefer, usually, to keep them out.

I don’t know how to open up.

Words tumble and merge together. 

They die on dry lips. 

They fall on what might as well be deaf ears.

My thoughts often move to quick for me to jot them down,

and there’s no way for you to see or read into my mind.

My eyes try to tell you everything but they too keep things concealed.

My body curls around itself, physically closing everything and everyone out. 

Opening up isn’t something that I do…

At least not easily.

And when I do it’s not in the most conventional ways.

This is what I hate to admit

What I wish wasn’t true.

Please don’t look at me like that

It just makes it harder for me to tell you.

My way of opening up is one of the most physical, literal ways.

I tear and rip apart my skin causing it to separate and blood to fill the crack(s).

I can’t seem to manage any other way.

It’s easier this way too.

No longer do I have to rely on my words to convey my message.

It’s there painted across the canvas of my skin-

There for anyone who wishes, or takes the time, to see.

All I really have to do is show you.

No words are needed then-you’d understand.

Pictures are worth a thousand words, aren’t they?

What do you do when 

…you can’t convince yourself people actually like you?

….you can’t believe the good things people say about/tell you?

….you can’t control your thoughts?

….you believe everything negative about yourself?

….you hate yourself?

…you know you’re not reaching your potential?

…..you know you’re not doing you’re best?

….you know you’re failing/messing/screwing up?

…you want to give up?

….you want to relapse?

….you can can’t stop panicking? 

…you feel you have no friends?

….you trust no one?

….you’re alone? 

What do you do when you just don’t know what to do anymore?