How do you explain self-harm to someone who’s never done it, never understood it, never got it’s appeal?
How do you tell someone why you do it when you’re not entirely sure yourself?
When you finally confide in someone about your self harm, what is it like?
I tried doing so today and I can’t help but be upset with it. It didn’t make me feel better for all that long. It sort of made me feel worse and I feel bad for adding another burden to this person. Overall though, I guess I’m indifferent.
Maybe it’s just because I wanted to be more emotional and I couldn’t be…
I don’t really know how to open myself up.
Especially not to you.
I like people believing I’m strong.
I prefer, usually, to keep them out.
I don’t know how to open up.
Words tumble and merge together.
They die on dry lips.
They fall on
what might as well be deaf ears.
My thoughts often move to quick for me to jot them down,
and there’s no way for you to see or read into my mind.
My eyes try to tell you everything but they too keep things concealed.
My body curls around itself, physically closing everything and everyone out.
Opening up isn’t something that I do…
At least not easily.
And when I do it’s not in the most conventional ways.
This is what I hate to admit
What I wish wasn’t true.
Please don’t look at me like that
It just makes it harder for me to tell you.
My way of opening up is one of the most physical, literal ways.
I tear and rip apart my skin causing it to separate and blood to fill the crack(s).
I can’t seem to manage any other way.
It’s easier this way too.
No longer do I have to rely on my words to convey my message.
It’s there painted across the canvas of my skin-
There for anyone who wishes, or takes the time, to see.
All I really have to do is show you.
No words are needed then-you’d understand.
Pictures are worth a thousand words, aren’t they?
…you can’t convince yourself people actually like you?
….you can’t believe the good things people say about/tell you?
….you can’t control your thoughts?
….you believe everything negative about yourself?
….you hate yourself?
…you know you’re not reaching your potential?
…..you know you’re not doing you’re best?
….you know you’re failing/messing/screwing up?
…you want to give up?
….you want to relapse?
….you can can’t stop panicking?
…you feel you have no friends?
….you trust no one?
What do you do when you just don’t know what to do anymore?
I don’t see anyone coming to my rescue because that’s the reality.
No one does.
No one’s there to save you.
No one’s there to show you they care the moment you need it.
Because being vulnerable doesn’t happen when it’s convenient for you or them.
It’s something you can schedule for “Monday at 5pm.”
It just happens and you hope against hope that it happens when you can handle it.
Most of the time though it strikes at night when you’re all alone with no one to reach out to.
If you’ve read Wuthering Heights, you’ll know what I’m talking about here.
The scene/part where Lockwood dreams about the ghost Catherine and he rubs her wrists against the glass….
Essentially that’s what I want to do to myself right now. My skin is just itching, crawling-wanting and needing to be opened again. I can’t get the feeling to go away. I’m not even upset either I’m just triggered and the feeling coursing through my wrists right now is agitating me.
I’ve also just found a small scratch on my right arm/wrist but I didn’t do it nor do I know how it got there.
But yeah, I’m triggered as all get out and low key panicking.
Does anyone else ever get the feeling of wanting to cry because f who are and who you’re not? Not in the sense that you’re not pretty enough or you’re a heartless bitch but that who you are isn’t good enough. Not good enough for anyone including yourself. That who you are isn’t who you should be….
I’m in a similar place, and you’re brave for posting this. We all have our vices and slip ups and relapses are a natural part of the recovery process. the important thing is to reach out and accept that it is okay to ask for help, and it seems like you’re already on the path of doing this
I hate being in this place. I wanna say it’s like being stuck in a pit but that’s not quite right. It’s just I’ve always been that “Goody-two-shoes,” and now that image is slipping. It has been for a while and I guess I wanted it to at the time but I was in a worse place then. Now, as I’m getting better, my image is still gone but people are finding out about it and it’s crushing me. I regret it now and there’s no getting it back. The amount of failure I feel is indescribable. My problem is I hate asking for help and I don’t do it well. I skim on issues which helps for a limited amount of time. Then I’m back to where I was before. I just don’t want to be a burden or tell someone things when they don’t really care at all.
Sounds like a title for a summer movie or book, right? Too bad in this context it’s quite the opposite.
It’s winter and a harsh, cold, unforgiving one at that. We all seem to be getting suffocated-the sun being taken away from us. Darkness is all any of us know and some of us aren’t adjusting to it well. We’ve always run from it before and now we can’t.
There’s a moment when emotions build up so much that you brace yourself against the door and sliding down it in dears that wrack your body. Silent but violent tears as you cup your hand over your mouth and press it hard against your lips to make sure not one sound escapes. Your eyes squeeze shut to try to block everything out but that’s only one of your senses and you can’t block out all of them.
While I might not be there physically, mentally I am. I can feel myself slipping and sliding around. It’s as if I’m suck in an ice-rink I don’t remember stepping into. I’ve got my skates on so everyone expects me to be able to stand on my own without realizing I can’t. I don’t do ice-skating.
I’m starting to sink again. To fall. To slip.
Some days I’m so close to relapse. I’m fighting it but it’s hard. I remember the feeling cutting once brought me.
But if I do that, I’m off my path again.
Or should I say I’m off it more than I already am.
I’m slipping and sliding all around here and I don’t want to. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to be that diabetic that’s not taking care of herself. I want to be myself again. The role-model. I want to have myself together. I’m tired of falling apart.
But I don’t know how to fix this.
And what’s worse is no one seems to notice.
I’m on the back burner of my family. I don’t really trust my friends or feel I have them. There’s one I’d consider telling but she has so much going on I can’t. I fear telling her as well.
All I have then are my teachers. They actually notice. They notice more than my friends or family. But they’re not always available. I need their love and support. I need their hugs. They’re all I have.
But I’m not so good at opening up to them either. I want to. I don’t know how. I tell myself they actually do care but I still fear that they don’t. But I can’t do this for much longer so I’ve gotta find a away.
Does anyone else ever get the feeling of wanting to cry because f who are and who you’re not? Not in the sense that you’re not pretty enough or you’re a heartless bitch but that who you are isn’t good enough. Not good enough for anyone including yourself. That who you are isn’t who you should be. Basically does anyone ver want or actually cry over the fact their actual self and ideal self are so far apart? ‘Cause I want to right now.
I’m not the girl people think I am and it kills me. ‘Cause if those are the expectations of me shouldn’t I be able to reach them? I hate letting people down. I hate admitting I’m not who they thought I was.
I’m thinking of one teacher in particular. I admitted to her that I drank one sip of wine and explained the story behind it. I told how now that I’ve gone off my path I can never get on it like I used to be. I told her how I want to go off path but I won’t but…it’s a struggle. I really want to because I feel so damn bad for screwing up in the first place. But if I do go off more I’ll feel even worse so I won’t but I digress. I already went off I already feel awful and ashamed. I just want to tell her I’m sorry I’m not the girl I’m supposed to be.
Callie Jacob in 1x16 ‘Us Against the World’.
Every time some part of my body hurts, I think it is diabetes related. One time my foot fell asleep and started tingling when I moved it, but I also had sharp pains in my foot which has never happened. I thought to myself “This is it. I’m going to lose a foot.” Sometimes my thoughts are irrational, but other times I do legitimately worry..
Dude. Every. Single. Time. I’m like “Shit, the nerve damage has started.”
I sorta just wanna drink right now.
Like really badly.
I feel like everyone just expects me to hate my diabetes. I mean, yea it fucking sucks but it’s a big part of who I am. Having diabetes made me a fighter, a soldier, a warrior. It’s made me strong. It’s made me more protective. Yes, it is the cause of most of my walls I build around me but I need those. People would walk all over me without em. Does anyone else feel the same? Do y’all hate your diabetes? Or do you like it?
I need to ramble about this:
Also known as the best writing program ever! It’s a full-screen writing program!
So you open it up, and it looks like this:
You’re thinking, “Ok, so what? It’s a screen with a picture. Whoopdie do.” But it get’s better! It’s customizable!
See that “appearance”? Click it.
You can also use custom fonts that you have installed!
See that “music”? Click it.
If you drag your own music into the folder, like so:
You get this!:
But wait! It gets better!
See “typing sounds”? You can change those too!
Perhaps the best is - YOU CAN USE ANY PICTURE FOR THE BACKGROUND. It will automatically fade it for you!
Seriously, guys, this tool is wonderful. You can use it for:
- Research papers
- Novel writing
- Play writing
- Short stories
- Homework assignments
- Ranting about your friends when they piss you off
- Writing your shopping list
It auto-saves. It exports to .rtf. Hotkeys from Word for italicize, underlining, and bold work. You can print RIGHT FROM THERE.
And the seriously best thing ever?
It fits on a flash drive. The entire thing with added music is maybe 131MBs.
The bestest thing ever.
She’s having four tattoos :)
3. Jamais Seule (which means never alone)
and 4. Everything happens for a reason in Sanskrit
i hope this helps you :)